First Blog Entry: Greetings world! I hope someone can read this and relate to it or gain solace from it.
Hello fellow internet perusers and/or awkward misfits. I've decided to start a blog so that I may both improve and practice my writing skills as well as vent about the daily troubles, bombshells, worries, sorrows, and hopefully celebrations of my life. I realize my thoughts would go to waste if I left all my introspections to the dissipate out of my brain an into the air, never to be heard again. That and my high school English teacher kindly said that he would enjoy reading my work for fun.
(As of right now) I am a pretty healthy, privileged, slightly above average college student, but I feel my privilege is what has caused me to be melancholy as of late, among other things. I do not really feel motivated to continue my studies in civil engineering at my school. I like to try art or computer science, but really, I am not sure if that will kindle my interest, so my issue probably lies in an emotional nature.
Aside from my aspirational problem, I, once again am facing an issue with a hopefully possible romantic partner of mine. I met this person just two days ago. As with my past two romantic endeavors, I am quickly becoming very obsessed with him. But, I have also learned from my mistakes, and am trying to take things very slowly--emphasis on trying. I long for someone to call my partner, someone to hold my hand in public and watch movies with and to hold me. We are both not interested in sex, him not interested in anal and oral sex, and I believing myself to be asexual. The biggest thing is, he is not really looking for a romantic partner, and I'm not sure if he's even attracted to me in that way. I understand, though I myself have always longed for a relationship, that some people don't really actively try to contrive one, as I have done for as long as I could muster the feelings. So here I am, painfully hanging on to his every word--err Snapchat message, like a hopeless pathetic fool.
I would like to go on a tangent about what this encounter has made me think of in terms of my social inclinations. I was probably very boring as I cannot help but think after one after another of my romantic targets' disinterest in me. I simply am not the heart of the party type of person, which logically, of course is nothing wrong. I just feel that this is the reason they aren't into me. ) ': I don't know what to do now. I'm drifting further and further into a gray miasma.
Let's think positively / structurally for a bit. Before I am ready for a relationship, I should first learn to love myself for who I am and the way I am. I may be so intent on finding a romantic partner because I feel like they would be a way of confirming my normalcy or societal love and acceptance. It's no wonder I seek acceptance outside of myself: I am living in a cage that is my home. I am not free to truly act how I want to act, or look at the media I want to look at. My mother raised us to be Mormon, and to this day, after 20 years, I still go to church to accommodate her. If things do not go her way, she will get so stressed out, I worry she may get an aneurysm (she has hypertension). As a result, I've kept this grudge against her for making me feel so suffocated. I do not know whether I'm making the right choice by not telling her I don't believe in God and restricting my homosexual desires and tendencies as opposed to being forthright with her and telling her all about my feelings. That cursed harrowing religion.
I know I started that last paragraph with thinking structurally, but my situation with my mom just came out. I really shouldn't be using people as a crutch to like myself more or feel more accepted. I should learn to love myself, but maybe my mom is an insurmountable barrier. I know I will miss her so terribly when she is gone, but I also know that, perhaps, that is when my life will start. She is really really the type that you know you will just miss forever and regret not showing her enough love once she is gone. She is just so endearingly foolhardy and clumsy. She also works to the bone to provide meals for us and clean clothes and whatever else we may greedily ask of her. She doesn't deserve an ungrateful son like me. But, I do also try to do my part of making her job easier. That's why I still go to church with her (even though lately I've been leaving early). That's also why I try to wash the dishes or wash her car or do anything she asks me the first time she asks. So in a way, I guess that's something I've picked up from her: Love in the form of acts of service and care. This sounds like a good place to end. LOL My first article and I pretty much just got everything off my chest. Here's to a better tomorrow! Chink! (glasses thumping, not the racial slur >_<)
(As of right now) I am a pretty healthy, privileged, slightly above average college student, but I feel my privilege is what has caused me to be melancholy as of late, among other things. I do not really feel motivated to continue my studies in civil engineering at my school. I like to try art or computer science, but really, I am not sure if that will kindle my interest, so my issue probably lies in an emotional nature.
Aside from my aspirational problem, I, once again am facing an issue with a hopefully possible romantic partner of mine. I met this person just two days ago. As with my past two romantic endeavors, I am quickly becoming very obsessed with him. But, I have also learned from my mistakes, and am trying to take things very slowly--emphasis on trying. I long for someone to call my partner, someone to hold my hand in public and watch movies with and to hold me. We are both not interested in sex, him not interested in anal and oral sex, and I believing myself to be asexual. The biggest thing is, he is not really looking for a romantic partner, and I'm not sure if he's even attracted to me in that way. I understand, though I myself have always longed for a relationship, that some people don't really actively try to contrive one, as I have done for as long as I could muster the feelings. So here I am, painfully hanging on to his every word--err Snapchat message, like a hopeless pathetic fool.
I would like to go on a tangent about what this encounter has made me think of in terms of my social inclinations. I was probably very boring as I cannot help but think after one after another of my romantic targets' disinterest in me. I simply am not the heart of the party type of person, which logically, of course is nothing wrong. I just feel that this is the reason they aren't into me. ) ': I don't know what to do now. I'm drifting further and further into a gray miasma.
Let's think positively / structurally for a bit. Before I am ready for a relationship, I should first learn to love myself for who I am and the way I am. I may be so intent on finding a romantic partner because I feel like they would be a way of confirming my normalcy or societal love and acceptance. It's no wonder I seek acceptance outside of myself: I am living in a cage that is my home. I am not free to truly act how I want to act, or look at the media I want to look at. My mother raised us to be Mormon, and to this day, after 20 years, I still go to church to accommodate her. If things do not go her way, she will get so stressed out, I worry she may get an aneurysm (she has hypertension). As a result, I've kept this grudge against her for making me feel so suffocated. I do not know whether I'm making the right choice by not telling her I don't believe in God and restricting my homosexual desires and tendencies as opposed to being forthright with her and telling her all about my feelings. That cursed harrowing religion.
I know I started that last paragraph with thinking structurally, but my situation with my mom just came out. I really shouldn't be using people as a crutch to like myself more or feel more accepted. I should learn to love myself, but maybe my mom is an insurmountable barrier. I know I will miss her so terribly when she is gone, but I also know that, perhaps, that is when my life will start. She is really really the type that you know you will just miss forever and regret not showing her enough love once she is gone. She is just so endearingly foolhardy and clumsy. She also works to the bone to provide meals for us and clean clothes and whatever else we may greedily ask of her. She doesn't deserve an ungrateful son like me. But, I do also try to do my part of making her job easier. That's why I still go to church with her (even though lately I've been leaving early). That's also why I try to wash the dishes or wash her car or do anything she asks me the first time she asks. So in a way, I guess that's something I've picked up from her: Love in the form of acts of service and care. This sounds like a good place to end. LOL My first article and I pretty much just got everything off my chest. Here's to a better tomorrow! Chink! (glasses thumping, not the racial slur >_<)
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